Being In Relationship

by Daniel Chiam 

In the past, friends often persuade me to fall in love and get into a relationship with a girl. Not that I wanted to refuse but I often felt that the time wasn't right at all and there's just so many things that I needed to do for myself and I was not ready to get tied up in a relationship yet. I know from the start that falling in love is easy, but maintaining a relationship will need the faith and effort of moving a mountain to do so. Hence I took up the nickname 'Lonewolf' to remind myself about the decision that I've made and why. I've been living for myself ever since and tho it was a lonely journey but I was never alone.

Today, I took an unexpected turn and got myself into a relationship with a girl that meant a world to me. I never knew that I can love someone so much until we're together. Like I said earlier, falling in love is easy but maintaining it is where all the hard work will take place, and boy it sure was a lot of effort! Our relationship moved a lil' too fast from the beginning and tho my common sense wanted to slow things down, its just too hard to fight the passion of love when you're drunk on love yourself. A relationship that moved so fast can only mean one thing, that its a crash course to get to know one another and whether you like or dislike about one another's ways, you'll just either have to deal with it or get yourself chocked around your neck.

I admit that my experience in being in a romantic relationship with someone is just paper thin but I do know what I want in a relationship from the beginning. I often observed couples and took notes for my self reminder. By this stage, I already have everything figured out but again, knowing what you want is always easier than getting what you want.

Sometimes I wonder am I too demanding? Too possessive? Too Paranoid? Or was it that I was expecting too much from a person whom I believe are matured enough about being in a relationship than I am? Sometimes I get frustrated when my intention was being misunderstood or the actually issue that I'm trying to make a point was not being understand at all. I believe I'm trying to make the relationship better and I got carried away at some point. I admitted my mistakes and tho some argument was hard for me to agree, but I swallowed it down anyway. I just wanted this relationship to continue on. I tried to rush things into perfection and I nearly tore down a beautiful relationship that I have long for. I was selfish and I repented ever since.

Just as I thought things was about to get better between us, I took another punch in the face (not literally tho). I'm sorry that I'm unable to be the cool partner that's always okay with whatever their other half wanted to do with whoever they wish to do it. Most of the time it wasn't even about jealousy but even the God I served is a jealous God (Exodus 20:5), then who am I to withheld myself entirely from jealousy? Then again, most of the time it was not about jealousy. Most of the time its just about priority. Where do I stand in this relationship with you and why was I being treated as such if I was to be claimed as one of the important person in your life?

I always thought that what I wanted in a relationship is simple. All I wanted was someone who first love God, love her family second and then their spouse (which is me in this case). I've always believe that wealth will follow when you have a good relationship with God the provider, and a happy relationship with your family that will support you in many ways in life. At least that's the order of priorities that I've set for my relationship with her, and I do hope she'll be able to share the same order of priorities as me too. Whatever I do, and whatever decisions that I'm making, it has to prioritize these three in order: God, family and spouse. If its unable to please any of the three in order, then I'm ready to say NO in a heartbeat. When you have set principles for yourself, making any decisions in life will always be easier.

Coming back from a long hiatus and here I am ranting about me being in a relationship. I thought I have other more important things to do than updating my blog but I have forgotten how expressing myself here in my own space had help me a lot to untangled the mess in my life and how I often found the light at the end of the tunnel when I'm writing. I've read from somewhere before; marriage (or in my case, being in a relationship) is not the cure for loneliness, but being in a relationship is the cure for selfishness. Having coming this far now, I totally agree with the saying. If you put yourself first in a relationship, then you just wanted to have someone to be with but not someone whom you want to share a life with. Prioritize: God, family and spouse, and you'll know that you are breaking free from selfishness.

Let The Spirit Guide Me

by Daniel Chiam 

It's been a little more than a year since I decided to come back to Keningau, trying my very best to stay here for good and hopefully be able to make a difference to the community here. At this point of time, I'm still torn between staying and leaving for better opportunities and as far as making a difference, I really think a lot more effort should be put into motions. Then it come to sense that if I leave again now, I probably had to start from scratches again and it'll be another tiring process all over again, and the last time it happened, gosh did I just felt that weight of the world on my shoulders. It was tiring and exhausting at the same time. I managed to pulled through. Got back on my feet and walk straight forward for a better life. Until I decided to give it all up again.

I guess its just a bad habit of mine for wanting to constantly give up and restart again. I was young and blindly ambitious, so I got all the energy to spare and keep going for the wild chase of dreams. What I never did back then was to stay on ONE track and go all the way till the end of that ONE track and become what I wanted to become. I kept jumping tracks, and now I don't have that energy to keep jumping anymore. It's a good thing though, cause now I realized that I should really be giving myself more time and even more energy to make whatever it is that's in my head to come to pass in where I am today. I'm gonna make whatever it is I have now to really be working, no matter what!

God has always been good to me. I can't imagine my life without Him, and I'm trying to keep my very best to do what I can to glorify His name. My God, is a creative God. A colorful and beautiful God. Just like all his creations, I too wanted to portrait that in my work. So here goes to another level for my journey on earth. Hopefully I'll come out on top again this time, haha. Let the Holy Spirit guide my path and I'll learn to trust in the Lord with all my heart. Here's to my new start up! Cheers!

Solitude | Patty Bell Patrick

Photographed by Daniel Chiam
Make Up & Wardrobe: Patty Bell Patrick
Talent: Patty Bell Patrick

I first met Bell when I was helping a friend with his levitation photoshoot, and Bell was one of the talent then. She's a really great sport and I really wanted to work with her again. Lo and behold, that day came sooner than I thought when Farah wanted to take photos of her sister somewhere near Bell's place. So I asked Bell out, and there goes our afternoon at an abandoned quarry.

Working with her is such a pleasure. I get to have her all for myself that day. I don't have to share her with any other photographer so that's definitely got the dynamic going, and she's really open for new ideas too. I was really satisfied with the results that day, and I'm definitely going to work with her again. Real soon.

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KMZ Helios 44-2 58mm F2 Lens

by Daniel Chiam

Okay this is a bit bias caused I never wrote anything about the Nikon Series E lens that I first got before this Helios lens. So, I'll probably have to come up with one soon. So the KMZ's Helios 44-2 58mm f2 lens was mass produced by the Russian back in the late 60's, and for many that has used or own the lens, it is unanimously agreed that the lens were built like a tank! Solid and it feel a bit heavy for its size.

The thing that got me interested with the lens at first was the swirly bokeh that it produces. Some said it was caused by the lens' defect and some people don't quite like the effect of a swirly bokeh, but for most people (like me) love it cause it gives a unique set of style for the lens and also to the arts of photography. 

After using it for almost a month now, I find that the sharpness of the lens is remarkable and the focusing ring is really smooth and easy to adjust. The only downside of the lens for me because the lens is an M42 mount, is that I couldn't get it to infinity for a full body shot (for example) or simply explained, I couldn't get a focused shot when my subject is further than 10 feet away from me. A common problem for all Nikon user I guess. Unless you get an adapter with a cheap glass on it that could affect the quality of the lens. That's why I opted for the adapter without the glass cause I wanted to see the quality of the lens itself.

The Helios lens also have a unique way of setting its aperture. Apparently you can set what is the smallest opening that you wanted to use and then only you can adjust in between the aperture. So the smallest will be f16 for this lens and f2 is the biggest opening. I can set the smallest I want is f8 and only then I can set my aperture between f2 to f8 according to my likeness. Unlike other lenses where you can just simply adjust the aperture without first have to set what's the smallest opening you want. Then again, you can always set it to f16 and just move the aperture ring around like the common lenses. It's no biggie, I just find it unique.

So overall, the Helios 44-2 58mm f2 lens is a keeper if you're looking for a good and cheap portrait lens. Not sure if I can say the same for people who struggle to use manual mode but once you get the hang of it, the Helios lens lineage (which many has claimed it to be the king of bokeh) can sure do wonders for your photos. The Helios lens is so far my main headshot gear right now.

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All images are taken with the Helios 44-2 58mm lens

The Abandoned Classrooms

by Daniel Chiam

It's been one heck of a few busy days for me lately. Wake up early for setting up and taking care of districts level competition for primary and secondary schools. Its harder when you're a night owl whose always up late for God knows what reason. Anyway, I saw some old abandoned classrooms near the Banjar Primary School's hall where we were setting up our sound systems and lighting for the competition. So I took my camera and explore a bit.

Abandoned buildings are always great for photography. It always has that melodramatic, melancholic and nostalgic kind of feel when you put the photos in black and white. All photos were taken using the Nikon 50mm f1.8 Series E lens. Just to let you all know, I have another new vintage lens in my collection already! This new one was built sturdy like a tank! Will write about it once I have enough time for some test shots :D

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